Silent Night

Many of us have silent nights, while others...well, their nights are anything but silent...

I used to think the quiet was so lonely. Thinking back on the years where I felt like I was the only one in the world who felt like I did. Yet Christmastime I never felt alone. Even if I was in a place in my life where I was struggling in relationships, work or just myself (mostly all three), Christmas made me feel like I wasn't by myself...it felt like a warm hug that enveloped me like a cozy blanket.

When I was pregnant with Vienna, those nights I slept next to Brian with Arya at my feet, I shouldn't have felt alone... but I did. The nights where I held my crying baby in my arms while I sang her to sleep I shouldn't have felt alone, but I did. Nights where I am in bed with my little family laughing I shouldn't feel alone...but I do. I think about others who are not so lucky and am afraid that I will lose that feeling and actually be alone. Our minds play tricks on us, using the past or fear of the future to dictate how we feel in the moment when those feelings are simply not true.  I think about those whose loved ones cannot be at their side during this joyous holiday season and my heart aches for them. Those whose faces are on ornaments and photos from the past and not in the room with them. I mourned the loss of the girl I had once been, the girl who suffered for me to get where I am today. I keep a reminder with Vienna's hospital bracelet, receiving blanket and hat in an ornament I can see on the tree paying homage to the memory of that girl.

Silence can be deafening or silence can be golden. When I see the light from the Angel on the top of our tree glowing when the room is dark reminds me that there's always a light within us all year round even if it is just a tiny ember waiting to be sparked. My child has ignited that spark within me again. The joy she brings to our life is one that I can't describe. I wrote a letter to Santa when we were trying to get pregnant and the following January she was there, inside me...I was carrying my very own Christmas Miracle. I believe in magic, I believe in the goodness of people and the universe. I believe there is a higher power that can facilitate the joy that we believe in our hearts. Whatever that power is that you believe, you always have to believe in yourself first.

Trusting in the power that your heart holds is the most important thing you can do for yourself. It is your very own Christmas present to you.

My wish for you this holiday season and the Eve to the New Year ahead, is to be kind to yourself. The light that you hold is very precious. Sometimes I think that I among many of us, need to be visited by those three spirits Charles Dickens wrote about so many moons ago. Reminding us that there is always time left to make things right. Christmas is the season of perpetual hope. The miracle of it all. A celebration of the year past, an Auld Lang Syne for those who once were, and a cheers to the future shining bright like the lights adorning the branches of an evergreen. Even if you don't celebrate, Christmas is a feeling that I wish for all of us. I hope you find that tiny ember glowing within you. The Magic is believing that you do..

xoxo Jacqueline